The Emoji movie recently opened in theaters, and so far everything about it seems to be further evidence that Sony pictures is literally incapable of doing anything right. I saw a story on Polygon about how Sony's marketing people decided to do a tweet parodying an intensely successful tv property. In and of itself, not a bad idea. I've done things along that line myself in the past, nothing wrong with it. Well, unless you make the worst possible choice for your parody. Here's the tweet Sony decided to put out, see if you can figure out what the problem was:
Don't adjust your browsers kids! This actually happened. A children's "comedy" about Emojis living inside your phone. That just screams "dystopian society where women are treated as second class citizens" doesn't it? "Blessed be the Emojis," the text of the tweet, is of course a reference to "Blessed be the Fruit," the greeting of choice in a society where if you can't conceive a child, you're a useless husk to be thrown out with the trash. Yup, totally the same thing. For a sense of the scale of idiocy involved here, consider this; according to Polygon, it took the Internet two days to realize and accept that this tweet was real. The internet. That bastion of sexism, doxxing, memes, fake news and "everybody's wrong but me" commentary, needed two days to process this degree of idiocy. Seriously. "All about ethics in gaming journalism?" Ok sure. Everything Donald Trump has ever said? Fine, sure, he has the right to say it! One of the most ill conceived parody images I've ever seen? CYBER RAAAAAAAGE!! And rage the internet did! This might be the first time I've ever seen social media rise up as one against corporate stupid. Of course the tweet was since taken down (because obviously if you delete a post, everyone online just immediately forgets about it), but it's not like this was the first time Sony has fucked up spectacularly.
So what's the screw up that Sony Pictures might be most famous for? What did they do that inspired this article? Here's a hint; it spins a web of any size and catches thieves just like flies. That's right, I'm talking about Spider-Man. "But Adi," you say, "Sony partnered with Marvel Studios for Spider-Man: Homecoming! They finally got it right! How can you say they screwed it up?" First off, you're absolutely right. I caught Spider-Man: Homecoming and it was a glorious effort to finally bring humanity's favorite Wall Crawler into the Marvel Cinematic Universe. But keep in mind the basics of that partnership. Sony let Marvel Studios use Spider-Man, and Sony got the profits from the film's theatrical run while Marvel Studios got the merchandising money. Sony made money off a film they didn't have to spend money to make. They didn't have to do anything and just watch the cash roll in. And amazingly they still found a way to try and sabotage their newest gravy train.
First, let's take a step back to Sony's last efforts with Spider-Man. So, the first Amazing Spider-Man hits theatres in 2012 and, while not exactly a bench mark in comic book cinema, it makes $754 million so it does all right for itself. Sony's ecstatic! They think to themselves, "well Marvel's having tremendous success with their cinematic universe, we own a popular Marvel property let's build our own universe!" That makes sense for Marvel, they've got tons of main characters to work with, all kinds of different genres to fit them into. Sony? Not so much. They're planned "Spider-Verse" would have one main character and tons of supporting characters, villains and so forth. But did that stop Amy Pascal? Of course not. As Amazing Spider-Man 2 went into production, Sony announces two planned spinoff films. A Sinister Six movie, and a spy thriller centering in Aunt May. Seriously.
The Sinister Six movie, I can kinda see it. I mean, you had the Lizard in the first Amazing Spider-Man, Electro, Rhyno, and Green Goblin in number two, they'd really only need to set up Mysterio and the Shocker in a Sinister Six movie. Wait, hold on, never mind. The Lizard as one of the Sinister Six would make no sense, and let's be honest, Sony doesn't have a writer that could pull that off! Amazing Spider-Man 2 was meant to set up the Spider-Verse movies, but let's be honest, this was going to need more than one movie to get it off the ground.
Then there's the Aunt May movie. A spy thriller. Theoretically, it could have worked. Logically it would have to have been a prequel, maybe Atomic Blonde before Atomic Blonde was a thing. The problem is Aunt May. I mean, yes, depending on who you ask, Richard and Mary Parker were either government spies or secretly working on genetically mutates spiders for Oscorp, so a thriller with them would have been believable. But May Parker? At exactly what point has May Parker said or done anything over the course of human history that would possibly make anyone think she'd been a spy at any point in her life. Nobody could ever buy an Aunt May spy thriller, no matter how they did it. For its part, the internet responded appropriately to this lunacy. Social media literally bent over backwards to voice their displeasure at the idiocy of Sony's plans. Ya know how critics sometimes refer to a movie as something that "nobody asked for?" Something like the live action Beauty and the Beast that gets made but you have no idea why it got made? An Aunt May spy movie was the actual, honest to God, movie nobody asked for.
Obviously though, that don't matter. All of this came out, and Amazing Spider-Man 2 failed. Not only that but as soon as it did, both the Sinister Six movie and the Aunt May spy thriller (I still don't know how I type that without giggling) went blessedly away. For awhile, that was the end of it. Then came the Sony email hacks and we discovered that somebody at Sony Pictures might actually have some damn common sense. That was, of course, when we all found out that Sony was in negotiations with Marvel Studios to produce what would later become Spider-Man: Homecoming. Before that, we got Captain America: Civil War and our first look at the MCU Spidey. Geeks and Nerds alike rejoiced! "FINALLY!" They said, "finally a studio has figured out what we want from a big screen Spider-Man!
As much as we all rejoiced, Sony wasn't done. Amy Pascal just couldn't help herself! Almost as soon as Homecomingopened in theaters, Sony was announcing spin off movies! "Hey Spider-Fans! Did you enjoy Homecoming?! Then have we got a surprise for YOU!" First, came one of Spidey's most popular villains, Venom! And we all said "That's awesome!" And Sony said "and he'll be facing off against Carnage!" And the collective fandom cheered! Then Sony said "we'll bring in the director of Zombieland to direct it! And the collective fandom went "Ummm... yay?" Sony finished off with "And Spider-Man won't be in it!" And the collective fandom gave a resounding:
Why? Because unlike Sony Pictures, the Spider-Man fandom actually knows a thing or two about the character. It already knows that a Venom without Spider-man does. not. work. The two characters are forever linked! You simply can't do a Venom origin story without Spidey being there in some fashion. Sony, for their part, was still not done. Of course they weren't. Their next trick was to announce the upcoming Silver and Black, which would center on Silver Sable and the Black Cat. I am all for female lead comic book movies (and come on, Wonder Woman made you happy to) and this shouldwork. But at the same time, Black Cat flip flops between love interest and bad guy, and Silver Sable hasn't been relevant since George Bush Senior. At this point, if Sony were smart, they'd focus on Silver and Black in the hopes of maybe, just maybe, getting something successful out of it.
But instead, Sony's going to double down in a Spider-verse they're no where near set to launch. Because of COURSE they are! And so help them they will latch onto any successful product from a new studio they can get anywhere near in order to do it. So way back in June, Kevin Feige and Amy Pascal are giving this joint interview to promote Spider-Man Homecoming and give a hit of background into the deal that was struck between Marvel Studios and Sony Pictures. You know, the one that basically says "Let us make the Spider-Man movies we want to make, and we'll make you a fuck ton of money." Now, a week before his joint interview with Amy Pascal, Feige gives an interview where he specifIcally states that Spidey characters like Venom would not appear in the MCU. The only character that Marvel Studios and Sony Pictures share is Spider-Man himself. Keep that in mind kids, because Feige and Pascal sit down for their joint interview and...
Don't you just feel bad for Kevin Feige? I mean I'm sorry, I don't think even Sherlock Holmes himself could figure out what in the blue hell Amy Pascal is talking about! It truly sounds as though she's trying her hardest to convince people that the Sony films are part of the MCU without actually saying it. I mean she's talking about how the Sony films will be in a world adjacent to the MCU, a part of it but not involved with it and other as equally batshit insane sounding things! Then there's poor Kevin Feige, who has to sit there and politely listen as this crazy ass executive clearly just spouts off whatever buzzwords she thinks will sound good to whatever bloggers will more than likely completely miss her point for the sake of good click bait anyway! And you just know he so badly wants to turn to her like:
Of course, after that, Pascal was all “No no, I wasn’t trying to state that our films would be considered part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I meant that our films would exist along side them, in a parallel cinematic universe of our own making,” Bullshit. And Donald Trump’s not dying to hit the big red button against every non-white country on the fucking Planet. You tried to hitch your wagon to Marvel Studios because you realized the biggest difference between them and they know what they’re doing while you’re flailing about in the dark for anything closely resembling a decent box office.
Ignoring my own amazement over the fact Amy Pascal is somehow still employed, and that Disney hasn’t just said “screw this, we’ll be buying Spidey back from you now,” the big question is pretty obvious. What’s the solution here? What do you do with a multi billion dollar film studio that’s so desperate for a hit film it’s willing to make shit up and try and lie to it’s audience in the subtlest way it possibly can. Sony’s own track record says they’re never gonna figure it out, and that’s where I come in. See, the beauty of this is just how simple it really is. There’s one solution to all the problems Sony created for itself over the summer. I’ll let Dave Chappelle explain:
Thats all there is to it. The smartest thing Sony Pictures can possibly do right now is shut. the fuck. up! Marvel Studios literally told them “Just let us make the Spider-Man movies we want to make, and we’ll just give you the money!” Remember, Sony gets the film’s profits and Marvel gets the merchandising. All Sony has to do is sit back, relax, and let the money roll on in. But they just. can’t. do it! They can’t help themselves! As soon as Spider-Man Homecoming was deemed a success, Sony got greedy. They tried to hitch on to the success of Marvel Studios and ride someone else’s gravy train! If I’m Marvel Studios, if I’m Disney, I’m buying Spidey the hell away from Sony faster than you can say “Wallopin’ Web Snappers!” Why? Well isn’t it obvious? Between using a show about the oppression of women to promote a kids movie, trying to build a cinematic universe nobody is asking for, and pretending to be part of a successful franchise that isn’t theirs, Sony Pictures can’t help but screw up everything they touch.
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